Don't say that to a pregnant woman

I found out six weeks ago that I'm going to have a baby. Get ready world, another opinionated person will grace our presence in March.

So far, the reactions I've received have been joyous, and I haven't heard the dreaded questions and comments mommies-to-be are forced to field. I've received a wealth of advice from various moms, and I look forward to what I can learn from people who have been through the process, either as a parent or as a doctor, nurse or midwife.

What I'm not looking forward to is the onslaught of strangers who want to pat my belly or give unsolicited advice. So, in anticipation of those days, I made a list of the things never to say or do to a pregnant woman, courtesy of an Associated Press article by Angelica Hoover and an informal survey of my friends who are either parents or pregnant. This is meant to entertain, but also to inform, so let this be a warning: pregnant women are probably the most hormonally unstable beings since teenagers. Heed the advice below accordingly.

- Rub the belly. It's not even OK to ask. How would you feel if someone walked up and asked to rub your butt? You're invading the space of a protective mama-in-the-making by trying to touch her unborn child. You know what they say about getting between a mama bear and her cubs?

- "Wow, you're getting big." "Are you sure you're only six months along?" or any other weight-focused comment. Yes, we know we've gained weight, but didn't your mother teach you any manners? Ask any man: It is never, ever, ever OK to make a comment about a woman's weight. Ever. If you feel the need comment about a pregnant woman's appearance, say "You look wonderful" and leave it at that.

My cousin relayed a story about a poor, misguided soul who said to her, when she was pregnant with her daughter, "You must be having a girl; they say girls take away your beauty." First of all, it's a false rumor, since many mothers of girls, including my cousin, are as beautiful as ever. And even if it was true, why would anyone say that? I hope she smacked the person and blamed the hormones.

- "Was it planned?" "Weren't you using protection?" or "Did you use fertility drugs?" I already have a response to the last one: "Yes, tequila." Frankly, the answers to those questions are no one's business but the parents, so if you're going to ask an inappropriate question, be prepared for an equally rude response. The only mamas-to-be who need to explain their actions are teenagers, and only to the future grandparents.

- Telling labor horror stories. We'll figure it out on our own. Besides, I'd rather go into labor without the anxiety.

- Advice from people who have no medical or parental background. If you start your sentence with, "Well, I heard..." just stop. Unless you're a parent, soon-to-be mom or dad, doctor, nurse, midwife or labor coach, you're probably wrong. I'd rather take my tips from my Yale-educated OB/GYN and friends who have been in my situation before.

- "Are you getting married?" While having a baby and getting married usually go hand-in-hand, and not necessarily in that order, it's still a touchy question best left unasked. Personally, I find shotgun weddings barbaric, and these days, an unmarried woman who finds herself "in trouble" isn't the harlot she might have been a few decades ago. Granted, marriage provides certain advantages when raising children, but if a couple wasn't considering marriage before they became pregnant, a baby shouldn't be the sole reason they tie the knot. If they were already headed in that direction, they'll get there. The best parents are happy parents, so let them be.

- Asking about gender or possible names. Some women find these questions invasive, but others feel they're a nice way to show interest in the pregnancy. It depends on the woman, but asking a woman how she's feeling, if she needs any help or whether she's thinking of a traditional name over a more avant-garde moniker are generally helpful, positive ways to show you care. But, take your cues from a mama-to-be. It's pretty easy to see when you've crossed a line.

Here are a few things that are always OK to do or say:

- Open doors.

- Offer to let her skip ahead in the grocery line.

- Tell her she looks lovely, radiant, beautiful or wonderful.

- If you know the pregnant woman well, offer to help her with housework, paint her toenails or watch her other children (if she has any) so she can take a rest.

And mamas-to-be, don't be afraid to speak up. I have a theory that rude comments and unwanted belly rubs are God's way of getting you ready to defend your child, and what's a more noble cause than that?

(Nicolov, an assistant editor at The News-Item, writes "Don't Get Me Started" for each Friday edition. Contact her at julie_n@newsitem.com.)

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