A D.C.-style barbecue
It's Father's Day, and that means the Great White Republican hierarchy in Washington smells burnt charcoal and is ready to barbeque some Democrats.
Because Father's Day is special, the Republican-proposed sequester is waived, and there is no budget limit for the day's food and frivolity.
It's warm this Father's Day, but the Republicans aren't complaining about all the fracking heat from their propane grill or the sweat they're putting into making a nice dinner. They're sure that it'll be ice-age cool next year because the destruction of the ozone layer and climate change don't exist.
First onto their searing grill is a slice of prime Benghazi. The meat has been marinating for nine months and is ready to pop. The Republican fathers see a conspiracy and cover-up that four Americans died in an embassy fire caused by terrorists. Protecting the Republican eyes from all the heat being stirred up are rose-colored glasses that have kept them safe from acknowledging they have been responsible for massive funding cuts for State Department security. The glasses also protect them from remembering they weren't outraged and didn't demand impeachment when terrorists attacked seven diplomatic compounds and killed more than 30 people during the George W. Bush administration.
Next onto the grill is a nice cut of IRS rump. The Palefaces of Power claim the IRS targeted Tea Party applications for non-profit status, and even got President Obama to apologize and declare he was going to investigate and get rid of that problem. The Republicans plan to char this delicacy, but this rump won't roast. Tea Party and conservative applications represented only about one-third of all applications that were investigated - and every application was approved for 501(c)(4) tax-exempt status, even though none of the applicants met the criteria of being a social welfare organization, or a private and educational association, or even a SuperPAC. Rejected, however, were some liberal organizations, including Emerge America, a Maine group that trains Democratic women to run for political office.
On this special day, the Republicans have their raw meat brought to them, but as a special treat, the macho macho men unholstered their legal AR15s and blasted a flock of peace doves, taking the bits of shredded meat and feathers to make a squab glaze for the rump roast.
The Verizon delicacy, with freshly-minted leaks, has the Righteous Republicans salivating. They're outraged that the Obama government has been collecting phone and email records of millions of Americans as part of a National Security Agency database. Content is not collected, just data about who called whom, when and for how long. Now, this data mining might seem to be an invasion of privacy, and something that should be a matter of public outrage - if it was illegal, which it isn't. That might be why the Republicans didn't seem outraged when the same problem emerged in 2006 during the Bush-Cheney administration. They claimed that secret courts dealing with secret warrants to secretly snoop upon Americans were morally justified. In fact, almost every Bill of Rights violation that came up during the Bush-Cheney administration was dismissed by the Republicans as necessary for national security. They were the ones who pushed the Patriot Act, and got spineless Democratic cowards to sign onto their scheme to scam Americans of their civil liberties. But there may be some delight in seeing the party that believes fathers have a right to dictate the lives of their children, even if they are unrelated adults, into eating their own telephone cords.
Now, every barbeque and picnic has pesky insects. And this Father's Day celebration is no exception. It would be messy if the Republicans had to grill, eat and bat away insects at the same time. Fortunately, they spotted some 18-year-olds walking down the street and drafted them into the war against bugs. Problem solved.
Republicans on a daily basis lambast the lyin' lib'ral left-wing establishment media. Of course, it's on establishment media that they do all this ranting. But, when the U.S. attorney general went after the phone records of about 100 establishment AP reporters, the Republicans saw fresh meat. This time, they indignantly stood up for the freedom of the establishment press, and declared that because AP reporters weren't kosher, they were uneatable. So, they fried up a Holder Sausage.
Obamacare Oysters are always nice for a special day. But, for some reason, the slippery-fingered Republicans can't seem to keep the oysters on the grill. They tried 37 separate times to grill the oysters, and 37 separate times, it fell off. But, these are persistent little buggers and there's no doubt they'll try a 38th time, although Mother Court has already told them their effort to grill health care is futile.
Because the Republican Fathers are so busy gorging themselves with Benghazi, IRS, Verizon AP, and Obamacare cuts of meat and vegetables, they didn't get a chance to lay out the side dishes known as jobs, economy, social welfare and the environment.
At the end of the day, tired from charring and making a huge mess, the Republicans will take yet another long nap - while their underpaid undocumented maids and gardeners will take out the trash.
(Walter Brasch, an author and retired university professor from Bloomsburg, writes "Wanderings" for each Sunday edition. He was assisted on this column by Rosemary R. Brasch.)